Addiction is a beast, and it robbed my life for many years. Cocaine, pills, marijuana, alcohol, it did not matter, as long as it numbed the pain and shame from the trauma and fear. I wanted to die so many times but was too afraid. There was deep desperation from the core of my being to know love and find purpose.
Lost and Broken
Pregnant at 18 years of age, lost and broken, I walked down the aisle to marry my baby’s father. He promised me love, but that quickly shattered. After my son was born, I dove hard back into my addictions. Waking up daily from blackouts, unable to remember what I had done the previous night, was extremely common. I could not function without drugs and alcohol, and they became the numbing agents to help me survive life. Every day, at noon, I began drinking and did not stop until I passed out. In the morning, I had addicts remorse, wondering what I had done the night before and who had put my two young children to bed. My husband and I lived in complete chaos and sold drugs to feed our addiction. Every time I looked in a mirror, I cursed myself and hated the reflection staring back at me.
As a young girl in VBS, I had received the Lord into my heart as my Savior, but through the years of pain, abuse and rejection, I stopped believing He loved me. I often cried out for help, but He didn’t respond, or so I thought. There were intense spiritual battles for my life, but I was too broken to see the truth and too blind to fight. Interestingly enough, throughout my childhood and into my addictions, I had vivid dreams and visions that would come to pass. My friends would call me a witch who had supernatural powers, which caused a greater chasm between me and my concept of God. How could I understand that dreams and visions were gifts from God and were not contingent on my behavior but His faithfulness? God was speaking to me, and I did not know. He was continually trying to get my attention, but I was spiraling out of control.
The funny thing about interruptions is they typically happen when least expected. One day, as I nursed another hangover, I found myself sweeping the floor, going through the motions, and the Lord interrupted my pain. Who would have thought that God would step into my chaos and release His Ruach breath over my shattered life? Certainly not me, but that is exactly what He did! As I pulled the broom out from under the cabinet, a small cassette tape that I had never seen before came out with the dirt. Perplexed by the title “Radically Saved” by Carman, a Christian singer, I decided to listen. The words pierced my heart! There was a yearning from deep within my soul that I was unable to grasp. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the spiritual atmosphere in my house and my life was shifting. Something deep within me hungered for the truth of these words.
“Jesus healed the blind man made him see, cast demons out of the man from Nazarene, cleansed the leapers too, he made the lame brand new, he put hope back in a hopeless life, I testify to you: I’ve been delivered, I’ve been delivered, the hold the devil had on me, he ain’t no more; I’ve been delivered, I’ve been delivered by the hand of the Lord.” (lyrics by Carman)
Could this be true? Could the Lord deliver me from my daily hell? I could not comprehend where this music came from or how it ended up in my house. Immediately I felt something inside telling me to shut it off, but another feeling, deep in my soul, was drawn to the words, I left it playing. God was interrupting my chaos with his divine destiny. He was leaving the 99 and going after the one – me.
The psalmist declared in his word, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. (Psalm 139:7-8),
I had made my bed in hell through addiction, and God’s presence disrupted hell’s plans for my life. Through a series of providential setups following this incident, the Lord radically set me free from drugs and alcohol, and today I have nearly 30 years sober. I have fully surrendered to God, and He has taken all my pain and all my ugly and turned it into beauty. Fear and shame are no longer strongholds in my life. The Spirit of God has thoroughly wiped away the residue from all abuse. My scars are a powerful reminder of His beautiful grace and mercy!
What the enemy meant for evil and my destruction, the Lord intervened and turned it for good. He took my shattered life and gave me joy and purpose. I now minister to thousands of women in prisons, strip clubs, churches, and the streets. I shine the light of Christ in the darkest places to help others find hope, healing, and freedom. My life is full of joy and purpose.
Nobody is beyond the love of God! Cry out for those in your life who are in bondage. Pray and believe for the Lord to intervene, for He is the God of the impossible! There is power in the name of Jesus Christ, which breaks chains, destroys bondages, and sets the captives free!
Prayer Over Addiction
Father, we cry out on behalf of every person in our life suffering from addictions. We speak the name of Jesus, the name above every other name, the name that destroys every principality, every demon, and every work of darkness. We declare that Your Kingdom will come here on earth, in their lives, as it is heaven. There is nothing impossible for You. No addiction is too big or too complicated for You. We cry out for Your divine interruptions in their lives, and we decree FREEDOM, in the mighty name of Jesus!